Medieval-Earth
by LadyPorpoise
Summary: Elrond is a usurper, the twins are jesters, Glorfindel fights in golden armor and with a sunflower, Erestor-hood seeks to reclaim what is his, Aragorn...is slow. Middle-Earth in a Medieval setting. Stupid humor.


_A/N Cross universe, making fun of...that's why it's a parody. I don't own anything. At all._

* * *

Once upon a time, in a fair land far, far away, there lived an elf-lord. Not an elf-king, keep in mind, because this elf hated crowns and even more restrictions if he were a monarch. Plus, it meant less management, and because his former monarch was related to some homicidal elves, the current leader thought it better to go down a few ranks.

Also, don't ask for directions to the kingdom, because with help from a shiny ring he made the castle invisible. And one day a giant eagle dropped a wizard in an abandoned tower, so that guy could help keep magic reserves up, and foresee events concerning the kingdom's welfare and opportunities for glory. So...you will have to get extremely lucky to even get in.

Oh, see that guy? That's Erestor, one of those elves that hang around, he and other elves were plotting to overthrow the elf-lord from his throne and reclaim their land. Because the elf-lord was not really an elf. He was an imposter, and it showed because of his twin sons were morons. The elf-imposter's name was Elrond.

Elrond was a usurper of his brother's throne, Elros. Well, maybe a stand in, but that's not important, and Elrond loved his brother immensely. But it got complicated because Elros died and Elrond did not.

Elros' descendants were very irresponsible heirs (Elrond understood the feeling: so much that he denied his twin sons their birthright and turned them into jesters: bell hats and all. They didn't care too much), so the true heirs of the throne vanished for many years.

The wizard that got dumped in the tower, Gandalf, prophesied that one day an heir of Elros would come pull the family sword that was glued to rock that was sitting in the courtyard, with no guard except Glorfindel, the golden knight of the realm (who wore pure gold armor. Bad protection). The heir would pull the sword to prove he was worthy, fight the golden knight in multiple challenges, and quite possibly get the hand of Elrond's pretty daughter Arwen.

At least Elrond still got claim to the throne, but Erestor-hood and his merry elves were probably planning to assassinate him.

Elrond had his grand seat outside beneath a pitched canopy, right before the glued sword. Elladan and Elrohir were trying their best to entertain their father and the crowd: the crowd laughed and clapped for them. Elrond had hammered them too many times with a literal hammer, he was just that annoyed with them, even though jesters were supposed to be annoying (right?). He let them have their fun...

A smelly, simple man came up to the sword, looking at it from all sides, and apparently completely oblivious to the crowd around him. The people held their breath. They gasped when the man broke the glue away and held the hilt of the weapon.

Gandalf barreled in out of nowhere, "Behold! Our true king has returned!"

The crowd broke into a loud cheer.

Elrond was snoring. Arwen looked like swooning at the sight of her destined prince. Elladan and Elrohir were laughing like fools and preforming sly tricks.

"Here here, cousin!" Elladan said joyfully, "We have long waited for you!"

The heir looked at the fools strangely. He approached Elrond and lifted the sword up, "I am Aragorn, son Arathorn, and do I get to sit in that chair now?"

Elrond snorted awake. He regained his posture and sounded powerful and important to the challenge, "How do we know you are the true heir? Many men have come and taken the sword, since we cannot afford Super Glue, and they have failed to defeat our golden knight. Behold! Defeat our warrior, and you shall have the crown."

Glorfindel clanked into view. His helmet was on and his visor lowered: red plume floating behind. He took a fencing stance and revealed his weapon: a golden sunflower that squirted water when the stem was squeezed.

The crowd gasped.

The twins had given Aragorn a hammer.

"Begin!"

Aragorn knew what he was against: he would lose if Glorfindel manages to give him a bath using only the flower. But Aragorn was not afraid, he had trained for this moment!

Aragorn gave a scream and he HAMMERED Glorfindel to the ground.

Glorfindel lay sprawled on the ground,; stars floated around his head. His armor was broken, which could be melted down into coins for the economy. The humans cheered for Aragorn, the elves sobbed over Glorfindel.

"Indeed, you have proven your mettle." Elrond said, "So long, fools!" And he ran down the hill.

Arwen jumped into Aragorn's arms. Elrohir threw the crown at the man's head, which nearly sent him into unconsciousness. Erestor and his merry elves shot rubber ducks at the new king: as every single lord/king that ever reigned this land, the land still belonged to Erestor. He never sold it. _He_ was the true king!

Elrond made a raft at the beach and casted off. He had a sea turtle pull his boat along as he began to search for his long lost wife.

And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

 _In Middle-Earth, at Aragorn's coronation..._

Elrond felt a strange feeling rush through him. He looked at his adopted son and daughter embrace each other. Something was strange, like deja-vu...

Later, he and Aragorn were alone with each other.

"Father, I have a feeling this could have been much more terrifying, but it is not...I am thankful for that."

"It could have been much more chaotic."

"You know, you had right to the crown too, yes? Would things have been easier?"

Elrond felt uneasy, but he smiled regardless, "Be glad I did not accept. I think things would be far different than how the events played out."


End file.
